Datum Amore Ad Defendenum

I don't see a point why I should ever do anything or help me parents again. Everytime I did, what do I get it return? Nothing. All I earned myself was I always a good lecture that "I did this wrong" "I did that wrong" "You should have consulted me" "You should have did it this way, that way" all this shit. I'm not even asking for anything huge in return, a simple "Thank you" would be enough and I'm would be happy to be of help or to even help out again the next time. But no. It's always my fault, my fault and still my fault. What can I do that it would be even just once not my fault?

My dad always think his above all of us in the family, the smartest. Always telling me why can't be just a bit more smarter like him. I'm sorry dad if I made you feel like your daughter is useless and dumb. Your expectations are simply too high that whatever i do will never be good enough. So please don't ever ask me to do anything again, I'll be glad to stay out of the way from now on. Isn't it better like that you don't cross my line, I don't cross yours. No argument nor unnecessary quarrels anymore. You're happy, I'm happy.

Seriously my parents never seems to be satisfied with me. Just go out there to any parents of a 20 years old, no, just any one of their friends who seems like their children are well-behaved and ask them, which of the children actually still stay abide by curfew or voluntarily offer their weekends just to keep their folks accompanied. My own siblings doesn't ever do that even before their 20's. Sometimes I really wonder why I did all that for them when they never seems pleased or happy with me in the end.

It's been quite awhile since i wrote anything. Months have been passing by in a flash. The last time i was here was when i just turned 20th not long. Now I've done with my finals and proud to say I've officially graduated from my two years in ITE. For the past one over month, I've kept myself busy with traveling, hanging out with my friends, cooking and doing nothing. And yes, I've planned to continue doing that for another one or two months while I figure out my next step in life. Meanwhile, I don't plan on elaborating or talking about it, I just need time.

Actually I have no intention to write anything tonight because I just felt empty inside out. However, this absolute emptiness just made me feel exceptionally insecure about little. And this terrifies me.

Hello! it's been long since a wrote something proper on this space. January kind of flew past really fast, then come February where I had celebrated my 20th birthday over the weekend before my actual birthday with a really great company. So thankful and contented to have them in my life. Last weekend we also celebrated Yeowwen's 20th in advance, hope he enjoyed the surprise and the present :)

My health had also taken a toll on me after that night. I've been down with a really bad cough for the entire week, but I've survived the the week in hope it would get better on its own. Well, it was the completely opposite of what i hoped, in fact it got worse on Friday that i finally decided it's time to go to a doctor. It's probably the worse cough i ever had. Everytime i coughed, i could feel the pain near my chest. However, being sick made me realized how caring and concern my family and friends were. I have friends reminding me to go to the doc and checking up on me asking if I'm feeling better. Mom and Dad been really nice too, this morning my mom got my dad to go down to the clinic earlier to get queue number for me while i was still in my sleep. He made a trip back to fetched to the doc and accompanied me to wait. Then bought me food and everything i need to make it easier for me. Really feel very blessed and loved.

Coming March will definitely be a busy month. I have my driving test, finals, decision making for my future after graduation and many more things on my list. Really excited for everything, but no doubt, deep inside i'm really nervous. In hope i will do well for both driving and my finals. However, the thing that worries most is my plans for the future. I'm still clueless and yes, plan-less up till now. Sometimes i look at all my friends and see that everyone of them seem to have a plan for their future, then i look at myself, sitting there without a clue what i want to do, what i really want to do. I feel really helpless everytime i think of it. But thank god for Agnes and Nelson who had been there to talk to me and assure me things will work out. Agnes have been a really good friend all the time, ensuring me that things will be fine and being there if i needed help. So the priority now is to do well for this final lap and not let myself or anyone down. 

Brand new year, same old me with new beginning, new hopes and new dreams. Resolution, take whatever life brings. And with this, Happy New Year everyone.

Merry Jolly Christmas Eve. Jetting off in a about 3 hours time to another island and spending the holiday season there. Yes, it's still pricked me that i couldn't spend this christmas with my friends when we already had plans on how we gonna be spending this year christmas at the hotel with a group of close friends. Hopefully next year we are all still together and will definitely spend it with them. Till then. Merry Christmas Everyone :)

A conversation earlier tonight while we're on the road really got me thinking about my future. Clueless of what i want to do with it. No plans made nor figure out my next step. I see friends around me with solid plans of what they want to do, and some already working towards theirs, while i continue to remain at the same point as a year plus back. Back in secondary school, i only know i need to get into a poly but i've never really thought of what courses i wanted to go to. Then i screwed up my O levels and headed to a ite instead with only one thing on my mind, do well and go poly. That's one of the reason on my choice of course, Accounting, just because it offers me more courses to choose from after i graduate from ite. But through this 1 year plus, i still haven't decide what courses i want to go into after graduation. Continue with Accounting? Or something else perhaps? I feel that i'm just blindly or aimlessly following the route others usually take, Poly - Diploma - University - Degree - Get a proper job. I mean that what usually usually people go through right? I've never thought or knew there were other options out there for me. Maybe something better for me or more suitable for me. Graduation is just less than 4 months away, by then i need to take the next step of life. What's the next step to take or to move from the present? I really need to start to figure start seriously.